me, indulging myself

For what it's worth:

I am ashamed that sometimes I can be made to feel ashamed. this is how I feel when I think of my period, sex and asking for what i want. Fuck it! I tell myself sometimes but I still feel that way after. I figure this stems from feeling so insecure about things like knowing I dont have asexual power / prowess, feeling attractive and it effects my reaction in a so many ways, even things as simple as being comforatble with beingme and my thoughts. Answering what I think is the right answer, voicing my opinion or joining a discussion. I realise it makes me not only hold back but sometimes even lie rather than say the whats on my mind.

It was only recently that I learned that its ok to have sex when, 'its your time of the month'. All these years I have been told how unclean a woman is when she is having a period. At home we dont even share towels with each other if the other or I is having her period. I admit that I too consider myself 'unclean' and 'unreceptive' when its my turn. How to think otherwise? I dont even let myself get too intimate not only cos I dont think its 'right' (since I have been told its not right and I have questioned otherwise) but also cos I feel maybe my partner wont like to be intimate with me when its all so unpleasant down there. How can I expect someone to be comfortable with my 'unpleasant' condition when I cant be comfrotable with it myself?

For a long while now I have considered losing my virginity. Although at first I was determined to have it intact (eyes rolling) till my wedding. I am now forcing myself to reconsider. Simpy cos I dont see the point of waiting anymore. I have the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (and my bed) so why wait? Although I must confess that I am convinced its not going to be pleasant. How many first time stories have you heard of that describe it as anything other than an ordeal and an experience to be soon forgotten? But then comes the ugly thought about appearing wanton. Eventhough I want to, I dont want him to think I am too eager. Cos I dont want to feel like I am too easily won. And no I really dont want to wait anymore either. So now where does that leave me? Thus far since our last trip where I had really insisted I have not mentioned it again. Sometimes I feel like I want to take back these thoughts and not let myself be bothered by it at all but since the subject has been broached I cant let go anymore. Wish I ddnt make this such a big deal. Ramblings!!!

Just realised that this has turned into one very pathetic entry. But then again if I cant be pathetic here then where? I am not apologising, just regretting (in a big way!)