Threading through murky waters

I have always thought that I can always see the bright side to life. That I am strong, really. That I have a good head on my shoulders.

But why then have I come to this now? Thinking about the things that I have done that I am not very proud of. In truth I am ashamed. If actions speak louder than words, what sort of a person am I really?

In the past years I have collected a closet full of skeletons. They are actions I don't want anyone to ever find out and I have nightmares about them ever being revealed. Although I know I'll never go back to all that, my actions still have a hold on me. They have made me more cautious, a little cynical and a lot more self conscious. My only saving grace would be to say, (the cliched) 'I didn't know know what had come over me, I was just messed up'. I feel as though my memories are eating my insides. I have images in my head of my Day of Judgement, when God will reveal all and all those around me will know what I have done and will look at me with disgust. I have always been a person who couldn't keep her mouth shut. Whose face could tell you whats on her mind before she had even opened her mouth. But this, this I have kept silence about. This I promise myself no one will ever know. Simply cos I am selfish. I am going to drop it at that.

My biggest, greatest fear is that someday, my Sweets will hear about them. I fear not because I don't think he'll try to understand but because I don't want to hurt him. Cos I cant ask forgiveness or understanding when I cant understand or forgive myself. I hope it'll be enough for God to know that I'll always, always be sorry and ashamed. Hope he understands.

I know I am sounding very dramatic and like I have made a mountain out of a mole hill. Wish that was the case. Reality is far bitter than imagination can ever make it look. The fact that I have written as much is a great feeling. Scary but still liberating. lessens the pressure a bit. But dsnt make me breathe any lighter. I don't want it to cos that would mean I am accepting my actions. Which is as unforgivable as what I have put myself through.

Adieu.