Right so now I became bold and gave sweets this address when he asked for it. And although I am not too bothered by the fact that he did read, there is a part of me thinking if I'll now be more guarded with my writing & revealing.

Another hopelessly meaningless day at office and now am thinking of leaving for rehearsals. Called Dinesh & asked him to pick me up. I am feeling good about myself, its to do with the fact that I know I know. Makes any sense? probably not. What I meant to say was that I know stuff, that I didn't know I knew and now that I know I know or can manage it makes me feel good. Like I can know more and I wont really forget, just push it to the back of my mind. hehe... Its raining and I wish I could go jump out into a puddle and just get wet. Best place to be would be the beach right now. WOW :)

Another I ought to add to my list is learning to make more than a sound on the flute. Cos I think I have a talent for it ;p it took me a week to make my first noise k and that's pretty good i would say. Don't you think? I want the Harry Potter Book. Cant wait for it. want want want. might just be dumb enough to go buy it. Hope I can control these highly irrational urges. But I want.

I get this really bad feeling that tomorrow going to be a mess of a day. Cos there is this brief we got today but I haven't put anything down on paper cos the client serving woman had to get back to me with the launch plans. Now tomorrow there is a meeting on it as well as I don't know what else. My client been awfully silent for so long now that I am certain they'll come any day and say they want this, this, this done and now. Its frustrating feeling to feel like I am not doing anything even though I am doing all I can do right now.

Its Thursday and today is the deadline for my SMD chapter. Must complete it, even if it means staying up late. me going, Iro is calling, there are biscuits and Milo. God what an absolute waste of a day. Oh BTW, today is my 8th month anniversary with sweets, may not seem like long to many but to me its a milestone. bye.

Tadaaa....I have completed one item from my list and half done another. Paid exams fees, thanks to sweets. I also called Daya up to ask about the lesson fees and all. Boody hell they are expensive! shockingly so. I think it would be better if I were to learn the basics with sweets and then just apply for the exams. Must call them back and ask how much it would be then - hopefully cheaper!

Sweets is planning on visiting his ex-girlfriend on Saturday. Hmmmmn...Wedding jitters are setting in, only 10 months. Feeling anxious and indifferent all at the same time. I just want to get married and have the deed done. Nobody is making a decision or finalising anything. Its so frustrating. The only thing I know I have to do is save. Dont have a clue is to how much is needed even. My inlaws want so many functions, my parents want this many. DECIDE FOR CRIKES SAKE! Still waiting for my engagement ring and for my parents to invite my in laws for dinner. sigh...

Was told today that there is a slight, minuet, miniscule, tiny possibility of going to India in October from office. (Please Please God if you can see me type this, make this is a sure thing.)

For now though going to buy my jeans, go to the dentist, read my books and study. well actually study ought to come first there. Oh and enroll for lectures! The prospect of going back to class even for 3 months is exciting. I love the subjects and really enjoy the lectures but need to try and focus more.

I will not let myself think of the wedding. As long as it happens in the near future I am fine with it. Exams is my baby, totally.

Trip to India is left to God. Just found out that Sweets is going to India the day after my birthday. I must say I am a little upset about it cos I know he wont be around for atleast a month cos he loves India as much as I do and maybe more. He wont be there for Ramazan. Going to miss him I know. Will come to that also later. Stick to now, for now.

Going home, a totally unproductive day at work comes to an end - although it never began. Ta.

I have decided that its time for me to take control of a few things and so I am going to make a concentrated effort to jot down my little goals for this year. Starting with getting a driving license, to going abroad.

• Driving license: must apply to a driving class - Daya most probably
• Pay exam fees: getting it done tomorrow
• Start studying: will read at least a chapter from SMD before Thursday
• Collect money: a. Wedding b. trip abroad c. cos I have to - proposed sum: 3/4 of current salary (cross fingers and pray)
• Go to the dentist: make an appointment for August 4
• Go shopping with mummy: July 28
• Read a book (at least complete all the ones I have started) a. Hitchhikers Guide b. Unleashing Power of PR c. Kiran Desai d. Nury Vittachi e. Anita Desai f. whatever else is in the cupboard
• Get a haircut - August 2nd - 3rd week - call Lucky or Kevin
• Go to Dilshey's and get the jeans I want - soon
• Learn to cook - something! anything! - must spend more weekends at home
• Buy that diamond I want - collect till December for it
• Go to the Beach :( miss it, miss it, will clear my mind
• Go to Hikka - miss the rotties & the ride
• Apply for McEd - as soon as current batch completes

Right, so far this is as much as I can remember. Will update when I have more time. Bye Friend :)

Its been forever since I have put down a few words. But everytime I start jotting down my thoughts on this I face a blank wall in my head. I have been reading through lots of blogs and I kept thinking, wow! how is it that they can just reveal all? even if they do give out their addresses to a select few of their friends. How can they reveal whats on their minds and feel free? its unthinkable to me. This blog represents to me a chance to practice my writing and thats all. I cant imagine it to be my journal no matter how much I may wish it to be. I envy these blogger people and their courage. But it occurs to me that it might not really be courage that helps them bare it all but the simple need to express their opinion, voice their thoughts and just be heard... to know that someone, somewhere in this world thinks the same. Thats gotto to be reassuring. I envy them still.

I make sure I work myself to the bone, and load my plate with everything imaginable so as to make to sure I am left with no time to think, to ponder, to reflect. Cause if I were to give myself the chance I wouldnt be able to handle it. Right now I feel like I am an emotional bubble of twisted nerves ready to burst. On a humorous note; like a giant, smelly fart that ready to go 'POP!' I am glad my little blog thing is still my secret. Glad that even the love of my life cannot see the little I reveal of my tumulous thoughts.

I want eveyrthing to be a secret, its been like this forever. Everytime I get a card or a present, I try to hide it. Everytime, I have something thats totally mine and none of my 4 siblings can make any claim to it I hide it. I go as far as to lock everything in my cupboard andthen hide the cupboard keys. I hide my feelings if I am hurt but I hide my happiness more so that no one jinx it. Weird.