I am ready to give an update to my list of 'To do' things for the year. Here goes:

1. Driving license: well it was expensive so am going to see what I manage to learn from Sweets for the moment atleast
2. Pay exam fees: done, now freakingout about the exams. Have to also pay class fees next week
3. Start studying: v. slow progress :s
4. Collect money: making a v. big effort. Hopefully it pays off (lol...)
5. Go to the dentist: went and still two more appointments left. (again, bloody expensive!)
6. Go shopping with mummy: didn't go and dont think I will. Spent too much shopping alone.
7. Read a book (at least complete all the ones I have started) - not gotten much done. Excuse being I was trying to study!!!
8. Get a haircut - ha! not this month. did cut my own fringe though ;p
9. Go to Dilshey's and get the jeans I want - went but couldn't find them. Scrap this.
10. Learn to cook - something! anything! - must spend more weekends at home - well have spent more time at home but still cant cook. Think its cos I really dont feel like I need to + I dont enjoy it even.
11. Buy that diamond I want - collecting. If not that am going to spend the cash when I go to India!
12. Go to the Beach - sniff sniff, did go, want to go again. I'll never be sated.
13. Go to Hikka - Yay! me going next weekend! yabadabadooo!
14. Apply for McEd - as soon as current batch complete

So there. Updated. Now me gotta rush off. Its the lunar eclipse today and mom wants me home. Sigh, talk to you later!

Today Sweets was annoyed about me not telling him things I do. Making him feel left out. I wanted to make him understand that it makes no sense to me to tell him about my plans when he isnt going to be around anyway. How do I explain to him that whether he wants to believe it or not I consider him to be a very important part of my Universe, basically there is only the two of us. And I am happy when I am with him, happier than I'll ever be alone or with my friends (who also happen to be his friends) because I enjoy his company over theirs.

It may have seemed a bit weird to you, i.e. having me talk to you everyday (considering I couldnt find time to meet with you) but truth is, when I feel Sweets getting distracted over work and travel plans and stuff - things that have nothing to do with me, I turn to blogging, (earlier it used to be scribbling furiously in my red book-with blogging atleast I can tell someone about stuff).

I realise I am worst than a kid when it comes to having attention (you are always telling me anyway) so its understandable that I spend my new found (uninvited) spare time catching up with things I had previously ignored. Things that arent up his alley. Earlier I used to try and get him to do these with me but he showed no interest, simply put, he would say something to the effect of, 'why dont i meet you after and you tell me how it was?'

Bottom line is he is never around for too long. And me doing other things when he isnt around is just my way of filling my time. I cant even remember what I used to do before I was with him. and I dont even mind it. Becuase I know he is having his time, creating his own bunch of memories and I am just a visitor who takes for a tour and having his experiences. So this is my way of doing the same and not being left out. Although more often than not I feel that i'll never come close to matching his experiences, its really not even about that. Atleast I have with me stuff to keep me occupied and call my own. Still be my own person even if by default I am doing it just cos he is not around. Hopefully in time I wouldn't feel as empty as I sometimes feel now. With exams looming ever so closer I know I'll have enough to occupy my thoughts but it'll never be enough as long as he isnt around. There is always an empty slot. Always extra time to think, to miss. I learnt that when I took on Pyramus and Thisby. Then I had had two plays plus a press con on my plate and it wasnt enough. The time he is around I give to him solely. I wouldnt want it any other way. and I dont see why I ought to get him upset about stuff he is going to miss out on when there is nothing he can do about it anyway. Besides which he has never shown any interest.

But its nice to know that he really wants to know whats happening with my life. This has got to be one of the most boyfriend like question he has ever asked. I am thrilled. selfish, greedy child that I am, I feel more loved now, lol...

Feeling 'complete'

This morning, a friend of mine said to me,'Your greatest fear I guess would be loosing Matt ner?' and truth is I cant even imagine a second without him. I can get used to not having him around all the time - physically, but I cant imagine life without being loved by him.

I miss you men. Want to gush to you about how perfect things feel when I hold hands with him. He keeps saying stuff like, 'your world shouldn't revolve around me', 'You make you happy, I just share in the happiness' etc etc. It just goes over my head. See its like this, I love myself, which has enabled me to love him. And now knowing that he loves me only makes me love him more. Its addictive really, potent, this feeling of loving and being loved. I feel free. Amazing and free. And I have Sweets to thank. I promise you, I am never going to let myself take this gift for granted. Same goes to the keeping the flutterbys alive. take care! Let me know how things are with you...Blog for my sake!

Threading through murky waters

I have always thought that I can always see the bright side to life. That I am strong, really. That I have a good head on my shoulders.

But why then have I come to this now? Thinking about the things that I have done that I am not very proud of. In truth I am ashamed. If actions speak louder than words, what sort of a person am I really?

In the past years I have collected a closet full of skeletons. They are actions I don't want anyone to ever find out and I have nightmares about them ever being revealed. Although I know I'll never go back to all that, my actions still have a hold on me. They have made me more cautious, a little cynical and a lot more self conscious. My only saving grace would be to say, (the cliched) 'I didn't know know what had come over me, I was just messed up'. I feel as though my memories are eating my insides. I have images in my head of my Day of Judgement, when God will reveal all and all those around me will know what I have done and will look at me with disgust. I have always been a person who couldn't keep her mouth shut. Whose face could tell you whats on her mind before she had even opened her mouth. But this, this I have kept silence about. This I promise myself no one will ever know. Simply cos I am selfish. I am going to drop it at that.

My biggest, greatest fear is that someday, my Sweets will hear about them. I fear not because I don't think he'll try to understand but because I don't want to hurt him. Cos I cant ask forgiveness or understanding when I cant understand or forgive myself. I hope it'll be enough for God to know that I'll always, always be sorry and ashamed. Hope he understands.

I know I am sounding very dramatic and like I have made a mountain out of a mole hill. Wish that was the case. Reality is far bitter than imagination can ever make it look. The fact that I have written as much is a great feeling. Scary but still liberating. lessens the pressure a bit. But dsnt make me breathe any lighter. I don't want it to cos that would mean I am accepting my actions. Which is as unforgivable as what I have put myself through.

Adieu.

Suprise, suprise...once again I find myself thinking about the blog I posted on the whole 'virginity' thing. Thought I ought to put my thoughts into perspective. That is to say, I have never thought of virginity as a big thing, (so I really cant explain me blogging about it. Infact the last few days I have been tempted so many times to sign in and just delete the post) it was just that in all this time I have never once considered going any further with any of the men in my life. The only exception would be Bubbbs, but even then I couldnt make myself say yes. Not to say that I ddnt find them attractive or shared no chemistry (thats funny actually) but simply cos I never felt I wanted to badly enough...strange. Another thought comes to mind, i.e. I never thought I could make it last with any of them. A long relationship to me would mean something that goes beyond 5 months. 9 months is eternity. So there, I have my answer. However let me just add, that with Bubbs, I had never thought it would end. Guess you could say my heart hadnt thought so but my mind knew otherwise...

Now here am actually thinking about it...

At office and I refuse to go home. Wont.

Its sad to note that of late the only book I have managed to read from cover to cover is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I love the series, was one of those eagerly waiting readers for this final book but its just that the book was such a let down. I couldnt read it again. A few excerpts may be but not the entire book. Thats sad cos I have read all the others atleast half a dozen times. Now to think about the mountain I have at home that I refuse to touch. From what I have been told, they are all good books there but for some reason I cant seem to finish them. I dont even want to. I would rather spend my time reading frivolous, silly books than enjoy a real peice of literature. Sometimes I dont understand me.

Sweets is going away...but mark my words i dont have and wont have a problem with it. We are good right now. Very good.

Oh and we are planning on another trip, trying not get myself too excited.. failing.. but trying anyway. Its 3 weeks away you see. Have enough time to get excited later.

more indulgence

saying whats on your mind, out loud is supposed to be good for you right? so why then do i not feel so good about it? Was thinking about how I felt the first time I told sweets I loved him. It wasnt pleasant. After saying it I cried. Then I thought about my last post and how silly and slutty I felt. About how guilty and awful I feel whenever I tell sweets that everything isnt right with us. Maybe there are somethings you should not say aloud, like the important things, things that bug you the most and those that you cant wait to talk about. It the latter that causes the trouble.

Another thought, is it possible that the first person to say the three magic words in a relationship always is more in love than the other? Bubbs used to think so. Even I did for sometime but now I think maybe not. Maybe its just that the other one was too chicken to say it before, maybe he just wants to be sure, but then again; maybe he is reconsidering and you are making a total idiot of yourself by professing your love. Maybe then telling him you love him isnt the best idea. I know sweets loves me and i dont think i really want to measure just how much simply cos i know i couldnt measure how much i loved him. Its infinite. Yes. but then why didnt he say it first? what took him so long? are the little annoying questions that have plagued me since. Think there should be a rule, to say that it should be the guy who says it first. Simply cos girls think too much about it otherwise. Having said that I think I have wasted enough space on this blog. Will dedicate it to more constructive musings..... eventually.

me, indulging myself

For what it's worth:

I am ashamed that sometimes I can be made to feel ashamed. this is how I feel when I think of my period, sex and asking for what i want. Fuck it! I tell myself sometimes but I still feel that way after. I figure this stems from feeling so insecure about things like knowing I dont have asexual power / prowess, feeling attractive and it effects my reaction in a so many ways, even things as simple as being comforatble with beingme and my thoughts. Answering what I think is the right answer, voicing my opinion or joining a discussion. I realise it makes me not only hold back but sometimes even lie rather than say the whats on my mind.

It was only recently that I learned that its ok to have sex when, 'its your time of the month'. All these years I have been told how unclean a woman is when she is having a period. At home we dont even share towels with each other if the other or I is having her period. I admit that I too consider myself 'unclean' and 'unreceptive' when its my turn. How to think otherwise? I dont even let myself get too intimate not only cos I dont think its 'right' (since I have been told its not right and I have questioned otherwise) but also cos I feel maybe my partner wont like to be intimate with me when its all so unpleasant down there. How can I expect someone to be comfortable with my 'unpleasant' condition when I cant be comfrotable with it myself?

For a long while now I have considered losing my virginity. Although at first I was determined to have it intact (eyes rolling) till my wedding. I am now forcing myself to reconsider. Simpy cos I dont see the point of waiting anymore. I have the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (and my bed) so why wait? Although I must confess that I am convinced its not going to be pleasant. How many first time stories have you heard of that describe it as anything other than an ordeal and an experience to be soon forgotten? But then comes the ugly thought about appearing wanton. Eventhough I want to, I dont want him to think I am too eager. Cos I dont want to feel like I am too easily won. And no I really dont want to wait anymore either. So now where does that leave me? Thus far since our last trip where I had really insisted I have not mentioned it again. Sometimes I feel like I want to take back these thoughts and not let myself be bothered by it at all but since the subject has been broached I cant let go anymore. Wish I ddnt make this such a big deal. Ramblings!!!

Just realised that this has turned into one very pathetic entry. But then again if I cant be pathetic here then where? I am not apologising, just regretting (in a big way!)