more indulgence

saying whats on your mind, out loud is supposed to be good for you right? so why then do i not feel so good about it? Was thinking about how I felt the first time I told sweets I loved him. It wasnt pleasant. After saying it I cried. Then I thought about my last post and how silly and slutty I felt. About how guilty and awful I feel whenever I tell sweets that everything isnt right with us. Maybe there are somethings you should not say aloud, like the important things, things that bug you the most and those that you cant wait to talk about. It the latter that causes the trouble.

Another thought, is it possible that the first person to say the three magic words in a relationship always is more in love than the other? Bubbs used to think so. Even I did for sometime but now I think maybe not. Maybe its just that the other one was too chicken to say it before, maybe he just wants to be sure, but then again; maybe he is reconsidering and you are making a total idiot of yourself by professing your love. Maybe then telling him you love him isnt the best idea. I know sweets loves me and i dont think i really want to measure just how much simply cos i know i couldnt measure how much i loved him. Its infinite. Yes. but then why didnt he say it first? what took him so long? are the little annoying questions that have plagued me since. Think there should be a rule, to say that it should be the guy who says it first. Simply cos girls think too much about it otherwise. Having said that I think I have wasted enough space on this blog. Will dedicate it to more constructive musings..... eventually.

me, indulging myself

For what it's worth:

I am ashamed that sometimes I can be made to feel ashamed. this is how I feel when I think of my period, sex and asking for what i want. Fuck it! I tell myself sometimes but I still feel that way after. I figure this stems from feeling so insecure about things like knowing I dont have asexual power / prowess, feeling attractive and it effects my reaction in a so many ways, even things as simple as being comforatble with beingme and my thoughts. Answering what I think is the right answer, voicing my opinion or joining a discussion. I realise it makes me not only hold back but sometimes even lie rather than say the whats on my mind.

It was only recently that I learned that its ok to have sex when, 'its your time of the month'. All these years I have been told how unclean a woman is when she is having a period. At home we dont even share towels with each other if the other or I is having her period. I admit that I too consider myself 'unclean' and 'unreceptive' when its my turn. How to think otherwise? I dont even let myself get too intimate not only cos I dont think its 'right' (since I have been told its not right and I have questioned otherwise) but also cos I feel maybe my partner wont like to be intimate with me when its all so unpleasant down there. How can I expect someone to be comfortable with my 'unpleasant' condition when I cant be comfrotable with it myself?

For a long while now I have considered losing my virginity. Although at first I was determined to have it intact (eyes rolling) till my wedding. I am now forcing myself to reconsider. Simpy cos I dont see the point of waiting anymore. I have the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (and my bed) so why wait? Although I must confess that I am convinced its not going to be pleasant. How many first time stories have you heard of that describe it as anything other than an ordeal and an experience to be soon forgotten? But then comes the ugly thought about appearing wanton. Eventhough I want to, I dont want him to think I am too eager. Cos I dont want to feel like I am too easily won. And no I really dont want to wait anymore either. So now where does that leave me? Thus far since our last trip where I had really insisted I have not mentioned it again. Sometimes I feel like I want to take back these thoughts and not let myself be bothered by it at all but since the subject has been broached I cant let go anymore. Wish I ddnt make this such a big deal. Ramblings!!!

Just realised that this has turned into one very pathetic entry. But then again if I cant be pathetic here then where? I am not apologising, just regretting (in a big way!)