I begin again

Time flies... i agree :)
Since it has taken me so long to get back to writing I realise it will not be easy to just start with something new and interesting or even relevant. So I have decided to let this blog be about all things random. I simply do not have the energy to sort through my thoughts and develop a logical, planned write up on a particular subject.


To start off with...I am typing on my new DELL Vostro. Its beautiful and mine. OURS. Technically because it was Mat who paid for it but i am using it and will be taking it with me when I go to Papua New Guinea in September.


I considered giving it a name but the excitement of having it with me and the desire to start using it put all other thoughts off my mind. Now I believe its too late. My Dell will remain as,'it'.


Onto other topics equally mundane; I came across a whole series of blogs that where authored by women on make up! and they have giveaways and competitions and so much of traffic flowing through. I was amazed and drawn like a moth to flame. Couldn't wait to take part in one of the comps and win some 'mac' or 'bobbibrown'. sigh.


The only draw back was the things you need to do to qualify. Like publicly follow them on google friend connect - which btw I ddnt know existed. The women writing those blogs sound so happy, cheerful, pink. They are what women who talk abt make up sound like. I love make up. Adore products and all things madly expensive but I cant write abt it... I think to myself, what a waste. I would rather use the product and review it.


Often I find myself wanting to review a certain restaurant, play, shampoo but the inclination stops there. Although the words have formed in my head. I never manage to put it down on paper or screen.


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I shared this blog with a friend today. I did so a little embarrassed and hesitantly. I found myself trying to recollect all the things I have written here and resisting the urge to sit and go through all my old posts. After sharing it, my friend had a look and came back saying that it felt as though I was walking alongside rambling.


It made me feel a little better but the I am still not completely at ease.


I thought it would be a good idea to give an update on some of what has been happening in my life.

• I have a camera - gifted to me by Mat which I carry around everywhere. Mat degardingly referred to it as the 'Mummy Cam' i.e. Point and shoot. 
• I am working at an organisation I had dreamed I would one day be working for. The salary sucks but the people and work is amazing.
• I have made more friends over the last two years than I have over the last 24 years. 
• I am part of Rotaract. I love it. 
• I have been out of touch with the drama scene and although I miss it - I haven't done anything about it 
• I am leaving my awesome organisation and travelling to Papua New Guinea in September to work on HIV&AIDs communications. I will be gone for a year. 
• I desperately hope it happens. 
• I have become lazy and although I am involved in a crazy amount of projects, initiatives and groups I am not doing much of anything and this is driving me mad. 
• I suck at being a wife. I don't cook. I hate cleaning. I am never home. I make a mess of the room every morning. I am only successful at doing laundry.

Going to close this post cos I have lost my train of thought! :( 

Yay! leave approved. Hope to leave the country on the 12th of November. Don't quite know what I am going to do once I get there other than the shopping for the wedding but not too worried about that either considering there is never nothing to do there. A little concerned however about the total lack of planning in terms of daily stuff like the list i need to shop for, where should i go for those things, will i have time to myself to go explore the city and get lost and find my way again, how many clothes do i take, will a lot of my time go on religious stuff or visiting and worse yet; will i end up spending too much of time going there and then trying to figure out what to do...

I have asked my mom for a list of the things she wants me to get and as of now I am heavily dependent on my sis-in-law to be for guidance once I get there. I haven't even thought about where if I got the opportunity would i want to go and explore or see more off. Wonder if I'll have enough time to go to Bangalore or Surat... sigh.

i like lists and right now that's the one thing i don't have and am beginning to feel a little overwhelmed by all that is going to happen in the coming weeks; exams, Ella (no idea about this either), work and India. Also what are my Dad's and sister's plans in all of this especially are we all flying to mumbai together or should i just leave on the 12th and let them join me once my sis gets her visa sorted and my dad the cash.

Work is a big problem, I don't think Shehani will be able to take all the pressure. The way I see it i don't even have enough time to brief her thoroughly enough before I leave. Its worrying to say the least.

Exams - i have been so caught up in trying to get work sorted that I haven't even touched my books much less attempt past papers or anything. The analysis is still incomplete. Oh God panic state is approaching real fast and although i realise its not helping me in anyway to go there i am just walking in the dark. Worrying is what i do best it seems.

Work is getting to me, and I just wish I could dig myself out of this rut. It's been so long since anyone or anything has made me feel this hopeless. Something happened at work which has kinda made all that was going on seem much worse.

I found a CV that was the exact replica of mine, I mean I guess I ought to feel honoured that somebody had though my CV to be so great that they would want to have the same. But what's killing me is that it was done with out asking me and that the person who did it, has in the past couple of months put me through hell and whats worse was that I considered this person a friend. I cant grasp or rather accept that people would actually do something like that. That every word they say can be a lie and the smile they give all just a facade.

I feel betrayed and feel as though my privacy has been invaded. And right now and I dont even know what I ought to do about it. Worse was finding out that it was given to her by my oldest 'friend' in office who also happens to be the manager. ANd when I asked her about it she lied and made it out to be that I had been less than careful with my documents. Infact she stated that there can be nothing called 'personal' in your office computer. Everything there should and can be accessible to all.

I am just mad at all this so so mad. and it doesnt seem to get any better.

Now I have with me a very lucrative offer which I am to consider. But I know its not what I want. It'll never be that. And that is sad. Not being able to go after the job you want and know you'll be good at it.

Now about this studying business, God knows I suck at it. I know I cant even consider flunking. But I dont think I have it in to pass either.

Gosh this is sounding so bloody pathetic, me off. Let me get my head screwed on straight and then maybe i'll consider putting down something worthwhile.

sigh.... to all

Missing my Yaar...

Hello you. I am in a state of missingness. Its awful. Its something that needs a good full doses of sweets to get over. Many Many many doses. sigh... he keeps going away like this and I keep feeling like this. Sometimes missingness mingled with anger other times its just an acute missingness. I appreciate the fact that I have someone I love enough to miss but what bugs me is that its constant. The missings.There is hardly any break between one trip and the other thus the missingness never leaves, it just subsides and now I have come to look at it like an evil monster. Cant even appreciate the time spent apart cos there is hardly anytime spent together.

Ah! me being selfish again. Need to get over this. Or atleast accustomed to it. This time round I haven't even bothered trying to fill up my days cos its not going to alter the missingness meter.

I even feel bad for putting up such fuss about missing him when he comes back and showers me gifts. Feel bad cos it occurs to me that he has been thinking of me too. But I still miss him the same the next time. What a vicious cycle it is. Blah!

For the record, Sweets ensured my 21st birthday to be the bestest one yet. He made it amazing and filled with little suprises. It was lovely. Especially the trip to Hikka. Which BTW I am missing too.

Right me off to do more missing.

annoyed!
I am annoyed. I know its ramazan, I need to go to mosq. But whats the point of going just to look after the kids and eat if I am not going to pray. Why should I rush my work for that? I am I being selfish? A weary sigh escapes everytime I think of Ramazan cos to me all it means is more fights than normal with my parents.
Dad just called and wanted to know what time i'll be getting home and coming to mosq, I said I dont know cos I havent completed my work as yet and then he goes on this big harang abt how i need to make time for prayers and work should be shoved aside and all that bullshit.
Yesterday I heard it from mom. and last night it was discussed and deciced that I will be getting my own set of keys so that they dont have to wait for me. Now back to square one. So tired of all this. Why is it that they cant just leave me be. aaaargh.

Hey,
Feeling a bit down. Its my 21st birthday tomorrow and all I can think of all things i havent done that I should have done. Basically sifting through my albumn of regrets. Gosh I feel old. Am actually panicking a bit. Which ironically may seem childish.
Birthdays usually are the happiest times for me. Not this one though. Sweets trip, my exams, the drivig license I still dont have, my non-existent savings, the absolute lack of privacy, the absence of feeling independent eventhough I have been working for the past 5 years. All this is just building up one big damper for my most looked forward to birthday. :'(
Now the time for resolultions, promises I make to myself but they usually are lost without a second thought. The usual ones:

1. keep the flutterbys alive
2. Learn to say 'I love you' better
3. Learn to drive
4. Travel - anywhere, everywhere
5. Save
6. Look after my teeth
7. Eat healthy
8. Go swimming
9. Exercise regularly - think about how you were when u were 17
10. Read!!!
11. Make time for prayers & family functions
12. Dont use work as an excuse for anything
13. Avoid white lies
14. Spend more time at home - only 8 months left
15. Complain less
16. Invest in a camera - take pictures of everything
17. learn to play the flute
18. Have a party - always wanted one
19. Do something outrageous
20. Stop experimenting with my hair
21. Dont be afraid to be a bitch

Thats it I think, no I am sure there's more but for now its enough. Gotta go.

p.s. Sweets - need your support with these :)

I am ready to give an update to my list of 'To do' things for the year. Here goes:

1. Driving license: well it was expensive so am going to see what I manage to learn from Sweets for the moment atleast
2. Pay exam fees: done, now freakingout about the exams. Have to also pay class fees next week
3. Start studying: v. slow progress :s
4. Collect money: making a v. big effort. Hopefully it pays off (lol...)
5. Go to the dentist: went and still two more appointments left. (again, bloody expensive!)
6. Go shopping with mummy: didn't go and dont think I will. Spent too much shopping alone.
7. Read a book (at least complete all the ones I have started) - not gotten much done. Excuse being I was trying to study!!!
8. Get a haircut - ha! not this month. did cut my own fringe though ;p
9. Go to Dilshey's and get the jeans I want - went but couldn't find them. Scrap this.
10. Learn to cook - something! anything! - must spend more weekends at home - well have spent more time at home but still cant cook. Think its cos I really dont feel like I need to + I dont enjoy it even.
11. Buy that diamond I want - collecting. If not that am going to spend the cash when I go to India!
12. Go to the Beach - sniff sniff, did go, want to go again. I'll never be sated.
13. Go to Hikka - Yay! me going next weekend! yabadabadooo!
14. Apply for McEd - as soon as current batch complete

So there. Updated. Now me gotta rush off. Its the lunar eclipse today and mom wants me home. Sigh, talk to you later!

Today Sweets was annoyed about me not telling him things I do. Making him feel left out. I wanted to make him understand that it makes no sense to me to tell him about my plans when he isnt going to be around anyway. How do I explain to him that whether he wants to believe it or not I consider him to be a very important part of my Universe, basically there is only the two of us. And I am happy when I am with him, happier than I'll ever be alone or with my friends (who also happen to be his friends) because I enjoy his company over theirs.

It may have seemed a bit weird to you, i.e. having me talk to you everyday (considering I couldnt find time to meet with you) but truth is, when I feel Sweets getting distracted over work and travel plans and stuff - things that have nothing to do with me, I turn to blogging, (earlier it used to be scribbling furiously in my red book-with blogging atleast I can tell someone about stuff).

I realise I am worst than a kid when it comes to having attention (you are always telling me anyway) so its understandable that I spend my new found (uninvited) spare time catching up with things I had previously ignored. Things that arent up his alley. Earlier I used to try and get him to do these with me but he showed no interest, simply put, he would say something to the effect of, 'why dont i meet you after and you tell me how it was?'

Bottom line is he is never around for too long. And me doing other things when he isnt around is just my way of filling my time. I cant even remember what I used to do before I was with him. and I dont even mind it. Becuase I know he is having his time, creating his own bunch of memories and I am just a visitor who takes for a tour and having his experiences. So this is my way of doing the same and not being left out. Although more often than not I feel that i'll never come close to matching his experiences, its really not even about that. Atleast I have with me stuff to keep me occupied and call my own. Still be my own person even if by default I am doing it just cos he is not around. Hopefully in time I wouldn't feel as empty as I sometimes feel now. With exams looming ever so closer I know I'll have enough to occupy my thoughts but it'll never be enough as long as he isnt around. There is always an empty slot. Always extra time to think, to miss. I learnt that when I took on Pyramus and Thisby. Then I had had two plays plus a press con on my plate and it wasnt enough. The time he is around I give to him solely. I wouldnt want it any other way. and I dont see why I ought to get him upset about stuff he is going to miss out on when there is nothing he can do about it anyway. Besides which he has never shown any interest.

But its nice to know that he really wants to know whats happening with my life. This has got to be one of the most boyfriend like question he has ever asked. I am thrilled. selfish, greedy child that I am, I feel more loved now, lol...

Feeling 'complete'

This morning, a friend of mine said to me,'Your greatest fear I guess would be loosing Matt ner?' and truth is I cant even imagine a second without him. I can get used to not having him around all the time - physically, but I cant imagine life without being loved by him.

I miss you men. Want to gush to you about how perfect things feel when I hold hands with him. He keeps saying stuff like, 'your world shouldn't revolve around me', 'You make you happy, I just share in the happiness' etc etc. It just goes over my head. See its like this, I love myself, which has enabled me to love him. And now knowing that he loves me only makes me love him more. Its addictive really, potent, this feeling of loving and being loved. I feel free. Amazing and free. And I have Sweets to thank. I promise you, I am never going to let myself take this gift for granted. Same goes to the keeping the flutterbys alive. take care! Let me know how things are with you...Blog for my sake!

Threading through murky waters

I have always thought that I can always see the bright side to life. That I am strong, really. That I have a good head on my shoulders.

But why then have I come to this now? Thinking about the things that I have done that I am not very proud of. In truth I am ashamed. If actions speak louder than words, what sort of a person am I really?

In the past years I have collected a closet full of skeletons. They are actions I don't want anyone to ever find out and I have nightmares about them ever being revealed. Although I know I'll never go back to all that, my actions still have a hold on me. They have made me more cautious, a little cynical and a lot more self conscious. My only saving grace would be to say, (the cliched) 'I didn't know know what had come over me, I was just messed up'. I feel as though my memories are eating my insides. I have images in my head of my Day of Judgement, when God will reveal all and all those around me will know what I have done and will look at me with disgust. I have always been a person who couldn't keep her mouth shut. Whose face could tell you whats on her mind before she had even opened her mouth. But this, this I have kept silence about. This I promise myself no one will ever know. Simply cos I am selfish. I am going to drop it at that.

My biggest, greatest fear is that someday, my Sweets will hear about them. I fear not because I don't think he'll try to understand but because I don't want to hurt him. Cos I cant ask forgiveness or understanding when I cant understand or forgive myself. I hope it'll be enough for God to know that I'll always, always be sorry and ashamed. Hope he understands.

I know I am sounding very dramatic and like I have made a mountain out of a mole hill. Wish that was the case. Reality is far bitter than imagination can ever make it look. The fact that I have written as much is a great feeling. Scary but still liberating. lessens the pressure a bit. But dsnt make me breathe any lighter. I don't want it to cos that would mean I am accepting my actions. Which is as unforgivable as what I have put myself through.

Adieu.

Suprise, suprise...once again I find myself thinking about the blog I posted on the whole 'virginity' thing. Thought I ought to put my thoughts into perspective. That is to say, I have never thought of virginity as a big thing, (so I really cant explain me blogging about it. Infact the last few days I have been tempted so many times to sign in and just delete the post) it was just that in all this time I have never once considered going any further with any of the men in my life. The only exception would be Bubbbs, but even then I couldnt make myself say yes. Not to say that I ddnt find them attractive or shared no chemistry (thats funny actually) but simply cos I never felt I wanted to badly enough...strange. Another thought comes to mind, i.e. I never thought I could make it last with any of them. A long relationship to me would mean something that goes beyond 5 months. 9 months is eternity. So there, I have my answer. However let me just add, that with Bubbs, I had never thought it would end. Guess you could say my heart hadnt thought so but my mind knew otherwise...

Now here am actually thinking about it...

At office and I refuse to go home. Wont.

Its sad to note that of late the only book I have managed to read from cover to cover is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I love the series, was one of those eagerly waiting readers for this final book but its just that the book was such a let down. I couldnt read it again. A few excerpts may be but not the entire book. Thats sad cos I have read all the others atleast half a dozen times. Now to think about the mountain I have at home that I refuse to touch. From what I have been told, they are all good books there but for some reason I cant seem to finish them. I dont even want to. I would rather spend my time reading frivolous, silly books than enjoy a real peice of literature. Sometimes I dont understand me.

Sweets is going away...but mark my words i dont have and wont have a problem with it. We are good right now. Very good.

Oh and we are planning on another trip, trying not get myself too excited.. failing.. but trying anyway. Its 3 weeks away you see. Have enough time to get excited later.

more indulgence

saying whats on your mind, out loud is supposed to be good for you right? so why then do i not feel so good about it? Was thinking about how I felt the first time I told sweets I loved him. It wasnt pleasant. After saying it I cried. Then I thought about my last post and how silly and slutty I felt. About how guilty and awful I feel whenever I tell sweets that everything isnt right with us. Maybe there are somethings you should not say aloud, like the important things, things that bug you the most and those that you cant wait to talk about. It the latter that causes the trouble.

Another thought, is it possible that the first person to say the three magic words in a relationship always is more in love than the other? Bubbs used to think so. Even I did for sometime but now I think maybe not. Maybe its just that the other one was too chicken to say it before, maybe he just wants to be sure, but then again; maybe he is reconsidering and you are making a total idiot of yourself by professing your love. Maybe then telling him you love him isnt the best idea. I know sweets loves me and i dont think i really want to measure just how much simply cos i know i couldnt measure how much i loved him. Its infinite. Yes. but then why didnt he say it first? what took him so long? are the little annoying questions that have plagued me since. Think there should be a rule, to say that it should be the guy who says it first. Simply cos girls think too much about it otherwise. Having said that I think I have wasted enough space on this blog. Will dedicate it to more constructive musings..... eventually.

me, indulging myself

For what it's worth:

I am ashamed that sometimes I can be made to feel ashamed. this is how I feel when I think of my period, sex and asking for what i want. Fuck it! I tell myself sometimes but I still feel that way after. I figure this stems from feeling so insecure about things like knowing I dont have asexual power / prowess, feeling attractive and it effects my reaction in a so many ways, even things as simple as being comforatble with beingme and my thoughts. Answering what I think is the right answer, voicing my opinion or joining a discussion. I realise it makes me not only hold back but sometimes even lie rather than say the whats on my mind.

It was only recently that I learned that its ok to have sex when, 'its your time of the month'. All these years I have been told how unclean a woman is when she is having a period. At home we dont even share towels with each other if the other or I is having her period. I admit that I too consider myself 'unclean' and 'unreceptive' when its my turn. How to think otherwise? I dont even let myself get too intimate not only cos I dont think its 'right' (since I have been told its not right and I have questioned otherwise) but also cos I feel maybe my partner wont like to be intimate with me when its all so unpleasant down there. How can I expect someone to be comfortable with my 'unpleasant' condition when I cant be comfrotable with it myself?

For a long while now I have considered losing my virginity. Although at first I was determined to have it intact (eyes rolling) till my wedding. I am now forcing myself to reconsider. Simpy cos I dont see the point of waiting anymore. I have the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (and my bed) so why wait? Although I must confess that I am convinced its not going to be pleasant. How many first time stories have you heard of that describe it as anything other than an ordeal and an experience to be soon forgotten? But then comes the ugly thought about appearing wanton. Eventhough I want to, I dont want him to think I am too eager. Cos I dont want to feel like I am too easily won. And no I really dont want to wait anymore either. So now where does that leave me? Thus far since our last trip where I had really insisted I have not mentioned it again. Sometimes I feel like I want to take back these thoughts and not let myself be bothered by it at all but since the subject has been broached I cant let go anymore. Wish I ddnt make this such a big deal. Ramblings!!!

Just realised that this has turned into one very pathetic entry. But then again if I cant be pathetic here then where? I am not apologising, just regretting (in a big way!)

Right so now I became bold and gave sweets this address when he asked for it. And although I am not too bothered by the fact that he did read, there is a part of me thinking if I'll now be more guarded with my writing & revealing.

Another hopelessly meaningless day at office and now am thinking of leaving for rehearsals. Called Dinesh & asked him to pick me up. I am feeling good about myself, its to do with the fact that I know I know. Makes any sense? probably not. What I meant to say was that I know stuff, that I didn't know I knew and now that I know I know or can manage it makes me feel good. Like I can know more and I wont really forget, just push it to the back of my mind. hehe... Its raining and I wish I could go jump out into a puddle and just get wet. Best place to be would be the beach right now. WOW :)

Another I ought to add to my list is learning to make more than a sound on the flute. Cos I think I have a talent for it ;p it took me a week to make my first noise k and that's pretty good i would say. Don't you think? I want the Harry Potter Book. Cant wait for it. want want want. might just be dumb enough to go buy it. Hope I can control these highly irrational urges. But I want.

I get this really bad feeling that tomorrow going to be a mess of a day. Cos there is this brief we got today but I haven't put anything down on paper cos the client serving woman had to get back to me with the launch plans. Now tomorrow there is a meeting on it as well as I don't know what else. My client been awfully silent for so long now that I am certain they'll come any day and say they want this, this, this done and now. Its frustrating feeling to feel like I am not doing anything even though I am doing all I can do right now.

Its Thursday and today is the deadline for my SMD chapter. Must complete it, even if it means staying up late. me going, Iro is calling, there are biscuits and Milo. God what an absolute waste of a day. Oh BTW, today is my 8th month anniversary with sweets, may not seem like long to many but to me its a milestone. bye.

Tadaaa....I have completed one item from my list and half done another. Paid exams fees, thanks to sweets. I also called Daya up to ask about the lesson fees and all. Boody hell they are expensive! shockingly so. I think it would be better if I were to learn the basics with sweets and then just apply for the exams. Must call them back and ask how much it would be then - hopefully cheaper!

Sweets is planning on visiting his ex-girlfriend on Saturday. Hmmmmn...Wedding jitters are setting in, only 10 months. Feeling anxious and indifferent all at the same time. I just want to get married and have the deed done. Nobody is making a decision or finalising anything. Its so frustrating. The only thing I know I have to do is save. Dont have a clue is to how much is needed even. My inlaws want so many functions, my parents want this many. DECIDE FOR CRIKES SAKE! Still waiting for my engagement ring and for my parents to invite my in laws for dinner. sigh...

Was told today that there is a slight, minuet, miniscule, tiny possibility of going to India in October from office. (Please Please God if you can see me type this, make this is a sure thing.)

For now though going to buy my jeans, go to the dentist, read my books and study. well actually study ought to come first there. Oh and enroll for lectures! The prospect of going back to class even for 3 months is exciting. I love the subjects and really enjoy the lectures but need to try and focus more.

I will not let myself think of the wedding. As long as it happens in the near future I am fine with it. Exams is my baby, totally.

Trip to India is left to God. Just found out that Sweets is going to India the day after my birthday. I must say I am a little upset about it cos I know he wont be around for atleast a month cos he loves India as much as I do and maybe more. He wont be there for Ramazan. Going to miss him I know. Will come to that also later. Stick to now, for now.

Going home, a totally unproductive day at work comes to an end - although it never began. Ta.

I have decided that its time for me to take control of a few things and so I am going to make a concentrated effort to jot down my little goals for this year. Starting with getting a driving license, to going abroad.

• Driving license: must apply to a driving class - Daya most probably
• Pay exam fees: getting it done tomorrow
• Start studying: will read at least a chapter from SMD before Thursday
• Collect money: a. Wedding b. trip abroad c. cos I have to - proposed sum: 3/4 of current salary (cross fingers and pray)
• Go to the dentist: make an appointment for August 4
• Go shopping with mummy: July 28
• Read a book (at least complete all the ones I have started) a. Hitchhikers Guide b. Unleashing Power of PR c. Kiran Desai d. Nury Vittachi e. Anita Desai f. whatever else is in the cupboard
• Get a haircut - August 2nd - 3rd week - call Lucky or Kevin
• Go to Dilshey's and get the jeans I want - soon
• Learn to cook - something! anything! - must spend more weekends at home
• Buy that diamond I want - collect till December for it
• Go to the Beach :( miss it, miss it, will clear my mind
• Go to Hikka - miss the rotties & the ride
• Apply for McEd - as soon as current batch completes

Right, so far this is as much as I can remember. Will update when I have more time. Bye Friend :)

Its been forever since I have put down a few words. But everytime I start jotting down my thoughts on this I face a blank wall in my head. I have been reading through lots of blogs and I kept thinking, wow! how is it that they can just reveal all? even if they do give out their addresses to a select few of their friends. How can they reveal whats on their minds and feel free? its unthinkable to me. This blog represents to me a chance to practice my writing and thats all. I cant imagine it to be my journal no matter how much I may wish it to be. I envy these blogger people and their courage. But it occurs to me that it might not really be courage that helps them bare it all but the simple need to express their opinion, voice their thoughts and just be heard... to know that someone, somewhere in this world thinks the same. Thats gotto to be reassuring. I envy them still.

I make sure I work myself to the bone, and load my plate with everything imaginable so as to make to sure I am left with no time to think, to ponder, to reflect. Cause if I were to give myself the chance I wouldnt be able to handle it. Right now I feel like I am an emotional bubble of twisted nerves ready to burst. On a humorous note; like a giant, smelly fart that ready to go 'POP!' I am glad my little blog thing is still my secret. Glad that even the love of my life cannot see the little I reveal of my tumulous thoughts.

I want eveyrthing to be a secret, its been like this forever. Everytime I get a card or a present, I try to hide it. Everytime, I have something thats totally mine and none of my 4 siblings can make any claim to it I hide it. I go as far as to lock everything in my cupboard andthen hide the cupboard keys. I hide my feelings if I am hurt but I hide my happiness more so that no one jinx it. Weird.

musings

Finally, finally I have work. I feel like I have purpose. Like people need me and I have things to do and people to meet and my evenings are actually busy and I am learning new things everyday. Bliss! fun and exciting. Blissful :)

Hmmn a download on work: there isnt really much to it as long as you keep things moving i.e. follow up on your proposals, keep in touch with your clients and just you know be on top of things which is just enough work to make sure you

Long weekend ahead, 5 days! and nothing to do. Nothing at all. This is pathetic. Need to make plans but cant think of anything at all. Could catch up movies and books. Could also make a concious effort to learn to cook something. But nothing seems inviting right now. Could also go away but thats what we've planned for next week. Hmmmn awful dilemma.